Festivus Read online

  Festivus is hardly harmless.

  Allowing a television show to dictate what holidays a person practices omits the self-discovery period of finding—or choosing not to find—faith in a traditional religion. Society needs to provide space, especially for young people like me, to look to their inner beliefs, not the TV set, for the holidays.

  Next year, I want those Festivus signs removed immediately.

  Asked for comment on the issue Gallis raised, Irondequoit High School principal Patrick McCue took pains to distance his school from any controversy. He said the school follows well-established U.S. Supreme Court rules about maintaining the separation of church and state. Prayer groups are, for instance, allowed to post notices about the times and places of meetings, but are not allowed to proselytize on the signs. Posters for Christmas, Hanukkah, and the like, Principal McCue says, are included in the prohibition. “Those are religious holidays,” he says. “Festivus is nothing.”

  The next major battle erupted to the west in Wisconsin, the same state scarred by the beer wars of Festivus. For years the town of Peshtigo had been erecting a nativity display on public property. In 2007, it was noticed by the Freedom from Religion Foundation, which filed a lawsuit against the town, charging that it was violating the establishment clause of the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, which reads, “Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion.”

  Forty miles south, Green Bay alderman Chad Fradette noticed the Peshtigo fracas and suggested to Mayor Jim Schmidt that their city put up a similar display at City Hall. The nativity went up two weeks before Christmas, and after gripes from the area’s secular and non-Christian communities, the city opened the area up to displays from other religions, subject to approval by city leaders on a case-by-case basis.

  Local resident Sean Ryan, a practicing Catholic, was skeptical of the the politicians’ inclusiveness. “I saw it as disingenuous posturing,” he says. Ryan decided to test the civic boundaries. He sent a petition to the Mayor’s office, requesting a Festivus pole be added to City Hall.

  The request was denied. Authorities told reporters that Festivus is “pop culture” and not religious. The city placed a moratorium on any additions to the display. When a Wiccan wreath was vandalized, it was removed and not replaced.

  Meanwhile, locals who opposed the display of religion on public property adopted Festivus as the face of their movement. “People who lived near the mayor were putting up signs that said ‘Festivus for the rest of us,’ “ Mr. Ryan recalls.

  Festivus, the holiday of feats of strength, loves a good fight, and it found a doozy in Green Bay.

  National news outlets reported on the fracas, and the Freedom from Religion Foundation filed an additional lawsuit against the city of Green Bay.

  “Council President Fradette,” the lawsuit charged, “deliberately used his public office to place an inherently Christian symbol prominently on government property at the entrance to City Hall, the principal location of local government, rather than on his private property, precisely in order to antagonize, offend, and challenge those persons who object to the public sponsorship of religious symbols on government property.”

  Liberty Counsel, an organization associated with Rev. Jerry Falwell, took up Green Bay’s defense. The nonprofit organization, which provides pro bono legal assistance for anti-gay marriage and antiabortion causes, has come to the aid of many groups across the country who want to display nativity scenes on public property.

  In a press release, Liberty Counsel attacked the Freedom from Religion Foundation as “the most extreme separatist organization in the country, claiming its members consist of atheists and agnostics.”

  Mathew D. Staver, founder of Liberty Counsel, said in the press release that “the national and state legal holiday called Christmas is not a World Religions Day. It’s Christmas Day. Christmas is constitutional.”

  Without Festivus, the local dispute might never have attracted national media attention, which drew the prominent advocacy groups and their eager lawyers.

  “I came to realize that if the media can find an excuse to play Seinfeld clips,” Ryan said, “they’re going to run with a story.”

  As of spring 2008, the lawsuit was ongoing.

  The Future

  Will people still be celebrating Festivus in a thousand years?

  It is not far-fetched to imagine Festivus as a permanent part of the world’s holiday firmament, says Anthony F. Aveni, professor of astronomy and anthropology at Colgate University and the author of The Book of the Year: A Brief History of Our Seasonal Holidays (Oxford University Press, 2002). After all, Halloween used to be an obscure festival observed by few, Kwanzaa was invented by an academic in California in the 1960s, and Hanukkah has been reinvented in modern times to include gift-giving. “Even Christmas comes out of a pagan holiday that happened around the solstice,” Professor Aveni said.

  Despite the professor’s approach, there’s no need to question the provenance of other holidays to evaluate Festivus’s chances of making the fourth millennium, says Alyson Beaton, who contributed a chapter on the growing popularity of Festivus to the book The Business of Holidays (Monacelli Press, 2004). While many celebrate Festivus as a reaction to the current state of the old holidays, some love Festivus just for its Festivusness.

  “It will stick around,” Beaton says. “More and more people are going to treat this like an Oscar party sort of thing, or the Super Bowl, this kind of funny cultural thing they do every year. The holiday is fun and it’s sort of ridiculous.”

  What Beaton and others miss is that Festivus has already proved it can survive for thousands of years. Unlike any other holiday, it waits patiently knowing that if one epoch tires of it, another will, inevitably, discover it again and adapt Festivus for its own uses.

  It may be that Festivus in five thousand years will have no aluminum pole and no Airing of Grievances. It may involve dance-a-thons or a contest to see who can club the most mutants or a ritual of downing intelligence-fortifying Gorzexian Grog and inventing new magic tricks. A person named Festivus “Flip” Fliporzorai, named after the holiday by his back-to-nature parents, may be elected president of the Milky Way in 7448.

  Festivus has persisted so the evidence is it will persist. Taking it back to its ancient roots, the word “Festivus,” really, means nothing more than “the way people behave at a party.” This behavior changes as civilizations change, as the ways humans choose to blow off steam changes. Festivus is always current.

  As long as there’s something to blow off steam about, there will be Festivus.

  Acknowlegements

  To the many, many Festivus faithful who contributed tales of Festivus frolics, thank you. And thanks, too, to Jennifer Unter, Stacy McGoldrick, Bob Asprinio, Ellen Santaniello, Lisa Arbetter, Nancy Hass, Bob Roe, Jenny Salkin, Rachel Kempster, Craig Young, Jason Pinter, Ben Greenberg, Jordana Rothman, Michael O’Connell, Mari Okuda, Emi Battaglia, Anna Maria Piluso, Roland Ottewell, Cassie Slane, Jerry Stiller, Gabi Payn, Trip Gabriel, and Allison Silver. Special thanks for research assistance to Sarah Garland.

  About the Author

  Allen Salkin is an investigative reporter. He has written on subjects ranging from the last true waterbed salesman in the San Francisco Bay area to corruption in the Brooklyn courts for the New York Times, the Atlantic Monthly, the Village Voice, Details, and other publications.

  Allen has been a rubber ducky salesman in Las Vegas, a farm laborer in Crete, a casting agent in Hong Kong, a hotel maid in Venice, a busker in Melbourne, a standup comedian in New York, a cafeteria cashier in Squaw Valley, a slacker in San Francisco, and a chocolate chip cookie maker in Waikiki.

  For Festivus songs, home movies, and to share Festivus stories, visit www.festivusbook.com.

  Excerpt from Cicero, Catullus, and the Language of Social Performance by Brian A. Krostenko on page 4—5 © 2001 by The University of Chicago Press. All rights reserved. Reprinted with permission of The University
of Chicago Press.

  Photos on pages 7, 29, 110, and 112—113 by Allen Salkin.

  Photo of potted poles on page 18 courtesy of Krista Soroka.

  Photo of vacuum pole on page 18 and “The Grievances My Friends and I Said to One Another” on page 68—70 by Kylah Eide reprinted with permission.

  Photo of Governor Jim Doyle courtesy of the Capital Times.

  Photo of James Eigner on page 23 reprinted with permission of Jeff Rash, James Eigner, and Patrick Raffery.

  Photo of Knoxville, Tennesse, pals on page 25 courtesy of Troy Kinnard.

  “Antidisestablishpoletarianism” on page 28 by Scott McLemee printed with permission.

  Festivus invitation on page 32 © 2005 Julianne Donovan, and photos on pages 70—72 by Julianne Donovan reprinted with permission.

  “Happy Festivus” and “Feats of Strength” cards on page 32 courtesy of Karen Friesen.

  Recipes and photos on page 36—45 by Anna and Gabriella Gershenson reprinted with permission.

  Photo of The Brewer’s Art glass and St. Festivus tap handle on page 48 courtesy of the Brewer’s Art.

  Festivus ad on page 48 courtesy of the Sonoran Brewing Co.

  Photo of the Appleton Libation Enthusiasts on page 48 © Byron Burrier. Reprinted with permission.

  Photo of Grape Ranch’s Festivus Wine on page 54 courtesy of Grape Ranch, Okemah, Oklahoma.

  “A Review of Festivus Red” on page 55 by Jim Clarke printed with permission.

  Photo of stupendous feats of strength on page 57 reprinted with permission of the Winnepeg Sun.

  Refrigerator photos on page 60 courtesy of Petros Kolyvas.

  Photo of Carlos Almanderez printed courtesy of Carlos Almanderez.

  Photo of Festivus Frisbee golf on page 85 courtesy of Greg Johnson.

  FFTROU trivia team logo and photo on pages 86—87 courtesy of Festivus For The Rest Of Us.

  Photos of Miss Festivus on pages 91 and 93 courtesy of Julie Manker.

  Photo of Impala SScene magazine on page 92 courtesy of Christopher L. Nichell and the Impala SS Club of America.

  “Suggested Categories for Judging a Miss Festivus Contest” on page 93 by Chris Nichell printed with permission.

  “Festivus Yes, Fake Snow No! A Tale of a Cold Festivus at the Office” on page 96—97 by Sarah Garland printed with permission.

  Photo of raising the Festivus pole on page 97 courtesy of Doug Rubin.

  “Gather ‘Round the Pole” on pages 100—101 words and music by Adam Park. Copyright 2005 Adam Park. Reprinted with permission.

  Festiv-Us Festival ad on page 106 courtesy of Jason Cairns.

  Photo of Festivus T-shirt on page 115 courtsesy of Brett Fischer.

  “The Happy Tale of Festivus” on pages 116—117 by Brittany Benson printed with permission.

  Photo of Festivus on page 116 and “The Sad Tale of Microfestivus” on pages 117—118 by Cathy Benson reprinted with permission.

  “The Indifferent Tale of Festy” on pages 118—119 and photo on page 118 by Scott Kirschner reprinted with permission.

  Photo of Festivus ice cream on page 119 courtesy of Ben & Jerry’s Homemade, South Burlington, VT.

  “Festivus Rots Young Minds” on pages 130—131 by Daniel Gallis reprinted with permissison of Daniel D. Gallis and the Democrat and Chronicle, Rochester, NY.